Jealousy, The Tormenting Policy

I was wondering. Will jealousy be totally absent when you truly love and trust your other half? I came to a conclusion. No.

No matter how much you love and trust him, you should never feel sorry if you grow jealous because some other gal gets touchy and flirty with him. Why? Beacause you cannot trust gals. Well, of course there are some exceptional cases where the gal wasn't doing it intentionally and your guy doesn't even notice it. But who cares? It is still wrong and who says if it wasn't intended, it has to go on?

Honestly, I have no idea why I would still feel jealous knowing that even the both of them didn't know that this was going on. Stuff like her acting all vulnerable in front of him, her suddenly brightening up when he enters the room and them having long chats even though it is strictly business really get my blood boiling. They both don't realize this and they both have no feelings for each other (well, at least that's what he told me on his side). Should I shrug off what I feel? Should I correct things? If I do, will I appear unforgiving and sensitive?

Guys don't really see it when some other gals other than their girlfriends who act especially different to them and they often blame their girlfriends if we decide that it's time to act up. But really, we should blame our boyfriends more than the gal. If our boyfriends know better how to keep their distance and be more sensitive to their surrounding, do you think you'd ever have to go through the torment of jealousy? It's not exactly the most pleasant emotion.

The conclusion: Guys, be more sensitive.

Too Much Of Twilight

It's been the third day since I've been absent from my classes now. I'm down with a slight fever and an ever-persistent dizziness. I'm glad that I've been having full attendance before this, if not these 3 days would surely bring about some zachut-less implications.

I've been itching to blog about something recently and I've found it. Twilight.

I caught hold of the book online and downloaded its contents. So I've been reading it off my laptop screen and my handphone after taking photos of it for the past 3 days of boredom and facing the spinning walls around me.

So far, I've just read past page 110 or so and I've already got so in love with Edward Cullen. Stories like this do that to me. They make me blush and cry.

Ever since the second movie of Twilight, New Moon got released I've been reading and hearing people say that it was overrated and that it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, personally I think it is that big of a deal. Maybe some don't see what I see in the movie.

Imagine you fell in love with a vampire and he is also dead in love with you. Dead.

Anyways, being a vampire, parts of him are animal-like, driven by desires and instincts. The sweetest thing here is that he can control the desire to feed on you because he loves you and he constantly has to fight with that inner desire so that he would not harm you. To me, that's really the ultimate sacrifice.

To make things sweeter, he is very protective and you're ridiculously clumsy. He would always be there, making sure that you don't get hurt. Well, then there are the other vampires who are not so kind. They would love to have you for a meal but of course, he's always there to protect you.

I'm not sure if this is a reflection of my inner needs but I find a man's overprotectiveness towards the woman he loves is very romantic and sacrificial.

Next, is his selflessness. You constantly ask him to turn you into one of them so that you too, can protect him whenever he's in danger but he refuses. He wants you to have your soul and he doesn't at all mind that in 50 years, he'll still look like a 17 year-old and you'll be an old lady.

You see that, guys? Love goes way past looks and age. Honestly, is there anymore guys out there who would risk his life to save someone he loves? Honestly? No.

OK. I think the story is getting to me. I should stop.

A Mistake

As I sit alone in my room,
Lonely and aimless,
I regret not for ending us,
For I know loneliness is less painful than your words.

I may be lonely sitting by myself,
Or having every meal on my own,
But I regret not for I'm not crying,
I no longer have to cry over hurtful words.

I long for comfort and care,
But you seemed ignorant and unaware,
Of how much I hurt whenever you push me away,
Whenever you're too busy for me you say.

I don't need long hours,
I don't need a whole day,
If you can spend hours watching series,
How can you be too busy for me?

All I need is an hour of your day,
And I can go on out of your way,
But don't you get it?
That 1 hour is not too much to pay.

I tried to understand your schedule,
I tried to understand your work,
But I'm studying and leading too,
So how come I still have time for you?

Maybe you never needed a girlfriend,
Maybe you never needed love,
Maybe you never needed me in the first place,
Maybe it was merely a mistake afterall.

Unanswered questions

To me, a relationship starts off with general attraction and perfect fronts that we all put up to give more reasons for the other person to be attracted to us. It doesn't necessarily have to be fake and totally different from who we actually are. Maybe just things we'd do on our good days or when we're really in the mood to impress. For example, me trying to seem really interested in someone's ever-prolonged opinion about football players. Well, if you like that person, it wouldn't matter because that's probably the first time you're listening to him speak on the topic anyways.

As time goes by, you get more and more weary of trying to stay focus listening to things that clearly aren't part of your interest especially when you're already with that person. So no need to impress anymore, right?

That's when love and sacrifices come in. If you love him, you wouldn't mind anything. I guess this is the very same reason why boyfriends don't take girlfriends to the park like they used to or volunteer to go shopping with them anymore after a while.

Sometimes I feel blessed for clearing all these out before I get married because by then, I'll have to make things work unlike when I'm just with someone and go through hell when things don't come our way like they used to before the marriage.

I'm still very much clueless about how it works, though. Like when should I draw the line and stop trying to change myself to fit the relationship? How do I know if I'm changing into a better person or into someone that will only fit the person I'm with? When should I voice out when I'm uncomfortable for being the only one trying to make it work? When does God's plan for me come in? If I still want to be treated like when he first courted me, what do I have to do to show as much interest in the things he says and does like in the beginning? How do I take more interest in some things about him that I naturally don't have a flair for?

Someone told me once that love is not a feeling. It's a choice. If I choose to love, I can also choose to not love. Sacrifising is not easy especially when you have to change to become someone you're not. I no longer believe that there is a person for everyone out there who is thoroughly compatible for each other without any work done. Somehow along the way, there ought to be some alterations and misfits. But how to exactly handle them, I'm no longer sure. Is it pure love that will keep the heartaches unmentioned and the discomforts buried?

Questions. Love. Relationships. It's all perfect and sparkly in the beginning but how long does it last? What if I want it to last forever? What do I have to do? Ditch my expectations? Is hoping that he'll take me to the park occasionally an expectation? Is hoping for him to be my listener and my shoulder to cry on an expectation? Is throwing my tantrum at him when I'm PMS-ing and hoping he'd understand, an expectation?

Being home

My goodness. I basically stopped blogging for the whole of June. Well, to start with, I'm no huge fan of blogging anyways. June was a crazily busy month. Exams. Well, thankfully, June 2009 is now history and I've passed all my exams to enable me to be home in Malaysia! It's been quite a few weeks since I've come back. I've missed Malaysia like crazy over the last few months in Russia. Living in Russia is OK but having lived in Malaysia for close to 19 years, I can no longer live without it for too long.

Maybe it's the food. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the culture. All too familiar in comparison to my new 2nd home. I just love being home again.

I'll be going to India for slightly more than a week for a mission trip in August. It's gonna be great. We're gonna work with kids in hospitals, locals in churches and hopefully, we get to visit homes of the locals. I've always wanted to do something like this. Well, India isn't exactly Africa, but it'll do for a fresh start.

I haven't been meeting my dearie very often since I came back. He's got hospital attachment. That too, I can't wait to experience next year. My enthusiasm for the medical field may annoy some people but I really can't help it. I just love what I'm studying! He told me that he's started to witness surgeries and scannings. Gosh, even diagnoses. Everything's too good to be true.

After India, I'm gonna take a road trip with my dearie to Singapore, his favourite place on earth. He has always told me how amazing it is and stuff. Let me be the judge.

I was thinking of getting an iPhone too. So was he. Maybe we should get 2 then from Singapore, dearie? We'll use your credit card =P

Being home seriously brings back many memories. Schools, college, exes, friends, festive seasons and many, many more. People who keep complaining about Malaysia should seriously reconsider the next time they complain.

The Love Movie

Remember me mentioning once here that I directed a short movie for my bible study group? It's finally posted online! So here it is. My first production:

http://m2hotspot-lifemedia.blogspot.com/2009/05/iwg-easter-play.html?showComment=1243756378320#c6664234987925675028

Sweet Nothings

Why do guys always say that they don't understand gals? It's such an overly repetitive statement but why is it that gals don't say it half as many times as them about guys? Well, I can confidently say that gals feel people whereas many guys just don't give a damn. When you feel, you can see beyond what meets the eye. To be honest, some guys feels people too. But only when they are trying to court a gal. That is the period of time when they do crazy things, say nice things, think for others, care, be considerate and tolerant, show emotions and love.

Most guys don't even stay this way past 6 months into their relationship. After the flowers, the gifts, the courting, the acceptance by the gal, everything ugly comes out. The name-calling, the comparison with exes, the ever-persisting sleepiness, the lack of attention and so on. But of course, it varies among guys.

Like how guys have the idea of how a perfect girlfriend should be, we gals have an idea about a perfect boyfriend too. I recently realised that I am not the only one with these expectations. Gals, or I in particular, want guys who can be who they had been during courtship and never changing. This is because, we see all the nice actions at the begining as a promise to how he'll act for the rest of the time of relationship. Why act all nice in the beginning when you guys are never gonna be doing any of that in the future?

Of course, you can be yourself during courtship. But if that means you treating your gal like trash, I wonder which gal might actually wanna be yours. So my bottomline to most guys is, nice-ness should be cultivated so that it's a part of you, not acted only in the beginning.